Wednesday, December 23, 2015

No Time to Explain

  To say that I have been absent is an understatement. A lot has happened since my last post, some good...some bad, but life rolls on as usual. The last time I posted any kind of blog was August of 2014. I have drafted a few but after reviewing them nothing really struck me as being good enough. My last year and a half has been full to say the least and as the title alludes, I really have had no time to explain anyone. Alas, I sit here this morning at my desk at work and I find myself with a few precious free moments and I think it's time I got some thoughts in writing. I don't plan on ranting, well not too much, but it would be nice to bring everyone up to date on current events of this madman. Where to start....October 2014 my wife and I welcomed out second child into our family. Without a doubt this has been the biggest mental and physical challenge of my life. The boy is beautiful, smart, and a gift that was given after my wife and I lost one to a miscarriage, but life has been anything but easy since his arrival. The child tests us everyday, does not sleep through the night, barely naps, wants nothing to do with me, and is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. He literally brings my wife and I to arguments because we are exhausted and just can't rationally communicate anymore at 2 am. We have been zombies for over a year now and it's a physical drag to both of us. It's not all bad though, during the days he is usually pretty pleasant and a joy to watch grow, but at night the boy turns into something out of a horror movie. In the end, he is my child and I love him dearly and eventually we will work through all these challenges so I'm not altogether too worried about it.
  My life has kinda moved into a crazy direction. I have always been kind of introverted and really didn't like being around many new people. I started getting back into gaming in April when I picked up a copy of Destiny for the Xbox One. I fell in love with the game but I had zero friends to play it with, so I took a pretty big chance ( at least for me ) and joined a clan to meet new people in the gaming world. I can tell you this, it's been one of the coolest things I have ever done, and I am super happy that I did it. I have meant some awesome people who live all over the world and I play with them almost daily. The best part, we are all dads, and have family's and we understand that family comes first. I enjoy playing with 90% of them, but there are those that I just try to avoid because lets face it, some people are just douche bags. They make the game to serious and I just want to relax and play the game when my kids are asleep. Destiny has introduced me to a community that I didn't know existed and that I am now proud to be apart of (NERD).
  What else is new, got a promotion at work that I am kinda terrified that I was offered. New job, New roles. I just don't want to screw things up. People gave me some shit for applying for it but hey I really don't want to be a grunt my whole career so they can all kiss my ass. I find myself finding that inner child again and falling in love with those things I liked when I was a kid but being able to introduce my kids to them as well has been really rewarding. I think I'm starting to find that inner child that makes me happy even as an adult. There are still those time's where I just want to say fuck it all but who doesn't  have that problem. So since I haven't posted in over a year I will keep this one short. I'm still here, doing what I do. Keep doing what you do and I will be back soon with more news from the mind of this madman.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Reaching Limits

  Lets be real for a minute.  We all try to live the way we want, we are all selfish in that the things we do in our lives we do in the hope it will ultimately lead us to our desires.  Deep down that's what life is, its everyone doing something to help themselves. NO ONE can look me in the eye and say that everything they do they do for others, or that they put others before them.  Its just not possible, its beyond human nature to do so.  Human nature tells us to do what is necessary to survive, procreate, and succeed. That's what it boils down to.  Basically everyone has their own agenda.  I don't mean to say that there are not people out there who do there best to help others in need, or just give a friend a hand or help the older generation when they need it, I am saying that each of us do this for a reason.  There is a selfish reason why someone goes out of the way to do things for others, it might not be a bad thing, but in the end its always there. So there you have it, humans all work toward ulterior motives somewhere hidden in their actions. I do it, my family does it, people I work with do it, its just natural to do it because its part of who we are.
  Their are problems that occur when this happens. Some of those people who want so desperately to reach their endgame go to extreme measures to complete their task.  That's where the assholes, the murderers, the robbers, the terrorist come in to the equation.  Then religion gets involved, which sparks even more controversy.  Then you add another element, that of freedoms granted and what people feel is their duty to do, start shit for the sake of starting shit.  look, I don't agree with a lot of whats going on in the world, but having protest in America is not going to stop the Muslim uprisings in the middle east.  Yes, I call them uprisings, and I do it because that's what they are. Its HUMANS going to EXTREME measures to get what THEY WANT.  You see it all the time throughout history, thousands/millions dying because one group views the other as inferior and claims their gods are the true gods. Prayer is an inner dialog with ones self to cope with the troubles of the day that they are experiencing, prayer is a way to give someone hope and to sooth the soul.  Prayer is completed in just about every religion but yet one religion calls the other inferior.
  Religion is cool for a few things, mainly hope and morals.  The teachings really can establish a set of values for the young. other then that, religion is an excuse..for everything.  I grew up baptist, and still consider myself to be, but I know now the true meaning behind religion and its teachings.  I will be honest, I am not sure how I came to be on this subject, my initial intent was to blog about anger issues and how its hard to stay mentally stable when things just go to shit.  Somehow my mind and fingers led me to this topic. Which is strange because in reality I am not even close to an expert on this, I am just opinionated. Maybe it spawned from the thought that using anger and greed to get what you want is a way of showing how truly selfish I really am.  How all the things I want in life I want for me more than my family and friends.  Is it bad that I put myself before others?  Does it make me a horrible human being to want the comforts of life that I see everyone else around me get handed when I have to work so fucking hard to squeak by.  Will I get judged because I think the need for some people to get what they want at the cost of others is the primary cause of fighting ANYWHERE in the world?
  I will tell you straight up, I try and be the best I can everyday, and I am not. You cant, its impossible to do because too many factors effect the way you want things to go. Its really how you react to these unexpected difficulties that determines whether your in it for the long haul, or if you will take matters into your own hands and force the issue. I am not so good at handling situations when shit gets hairy, in fact I pretty much suck at it. I am short tempered, intense and on more then one occasion been called volatile.  This is my fault and its been a fault since I can remember.  The difference is, I get this way because I am not well versed on handling the situation, I don't however try and force the issue with my anger or intensity. I get mad and I stew, probably longer then most people. I dwell and doubt because its part of who I am. I hate it, I hate dwelling and getting so mad all the time. I hate doubting myself in front of others instead of having the confidence to be free of others judgement.  The bad thing is, most people could probably give a shit less about me, but in my head, I feel like I'm front of EVERYONE.  Anger can be a good outlet, should a person know how to control it and communicate it.  Look around the world at all those people (past and present) who are terrible at communicating their anger. 
  There are so many problems with today's world, it just is not fixable.  Each and every person lives their lives with the intent of doing what they want, and some do not care about the harm that comes to those in their path. Gangs, murderers, extremist, terrorist. They all have that same human nature about them. They want something and will not let anyone stand in their way.
  Sitting here, taking a deep breath, it occurs to me that there are moments when I just want to disappear. Pack my family up, take only the essentials and move to some remote place where I can live locally and raise my family in peace without the worry of who will push the button and cause the next great conflict. I enjoy being alone with my family, I enjoy doing things low key. I guess I could go the way of the extremist and drop everything and disappear and not tell anyone where my family and I went.  Just leave them searching for me until the end of days.  I do not deal with things well, both emotionally and mentally. Maybe it would be easier to run away to a place where I can live in peace with those I love the most. But that would be selfish wouldn't it.  See no matter what you want or think is best it all boils down to one thing, Humans by nature are selfish always working toward our individual goals regardless of the consequences.
  People like to voice their opinions, like when Robin Williams committed suicide two days ago, people commented that he took the easy way out and quit.  Well maybe he didn't, maybe he realized what I do now.  That people are selfish no matter how much you give them. Robin was in the acting business for 40 years, and still has 4 movies that have yet to premier.  He participated in countless tours overseas to support troops and did many things to help people.  Maybe it was us as the "normal" citizens that should look at ourselves in the mirror. We thank him now that he is gone for all that he did when he was with us, but did anyone ever take the time to thanks him while he was here.  See we are all selfish, its human nature, just like its human nature to find the things that will make us most happy. even if that is death.Why is it always death that has to remind us that we are human? So I guess its OK to be angry, emotional, tired, excited...etc.  
  I can tell you, I am not depressed, but I do get sad. Emotion can be a beautiful thing, it tells us and those around us that something is happening whether it is good or bad. It shows we have a heart. My emotions tend to run stronger then others, I am quick to anger and just as quick to sadness. I do not consider this a curse, but a blessing, to feel is to live, to deny is to invite death. Embrace your emotion, be selfish about it, be emotional all the time, get angry, get sad, get happy, enjoy all the emotions that we were born with. That is the only way to live your life to the fullest. Enjoy all that is given to you, feel and smell the good and the bad, experience the feelings that the world the end...reach for the limits of the human experience and strive to be whatever it is you want to be but keep in mind to give others that freedom as well.  let others enjoy life just as much as you do regardless of what they believe. There will always be those who want to do more harm then good, that my friends will never be avoided.  Life is hard, that will never change. "to live, would be an awfully big adventure"-Robin Williams as PAN. BANGARANG!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

path's followed

In the course of life we choose which fork in the road we are going to follow.  Most of the time things do not turn out as we planned.  Other times, much to our surprise, things go exactly as planned. In reality we all are forced to live with these choices, good or bad. For some of us, the ability to just shrug your shoulders and carry on, never regretting or wondering where the other fork may have led, and live life as expected with little to no worry.  Others however constantly look back on what might have been, always remember a time they wish they had done this or that, or went this way instead of that. That in short is the story of my life.

I am one of those that always looks back on what might have been and I tend to dwell on bad decisions from the past.  Even though I know in my head that no one cares, mistakes are forgiven, and people just move on. In my head however, the moment tends to always be a thought away, almost like it was yesterday and I have a tendency to relive it over and over again.  Like so many others I put on the face and smile, and act like nothing bothers me, but in truth there is always a struggle with things of the past.

It's easy for someone to tell you to just let it go, or its in the past, because in their mind its easy for them to do that, but with people like me, we just cant.  Time and time again I have told myself not to worry about it, or not to dwell on it and it will go away for a time, but inevitably it always come racing back once anything happens that closely resembles my memory of the past.  Now, I don't act on these memories or cry over them, but they are a constant reminder of mistakes I wish i didn't make, or decisions I wish I had never made. In all honesty, it makes it hard to live with myself every so often.

Recently I came across an old friend on facebook, who happened to be friends with someone who I was close to at one point in time. Of course, memories come slamming back like a freight train and curiosity got the best of me. I needed to see how their life was making out. I dreaded what I might find, scared of how their life may have turned out or the direction it went. Both for my own selfish reasons, and for fear or failure I guess you could say. Then it happened, the text, the pictures, seeing old heart started to pound as memory after miserable memory filled my head.  Just like always my head filled with dread of what I was about to find....until, for some weird reason, suddenly I felt joy, happiness, and a sense of relief. 

My life has had many winding roads, but I have a wonderful family. Sure, we all have those moments where we think back about how if we did this different we might be there instead of here.  And I think we all have attachment's that never leave you, that have become part of you. So today, I am disappointed but happy at the same time.  Happy for that old friend and what their life may lead to now, the memories will never leave, but no longer will I dread them when they come around. Funny how things have a way of working out.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Quit your Bitching

  Its been awhile since I have sat down and really thought about something to rant about.  A lot has changed since last I had a good, anger fueled rant to get my week going.  Originally I stated that I would not talk politics, because frankly I do not care about them enough to make an educated decision. However, this morning while drinking my morning coffee at my desk and browsing through yahoo's top stories, I came across a headline that stated that the employee's who are furloughed by our government are finally starting to speak out about how the shutdown is affecting them. First, it is absolutely ridiculous that the most powerful country in the world should be shutdown because law makers can't come to an agreement on how to budget the government; note however that the same people who are causing all this are still getting paid. Alas, that as far into the politics as I will go. My issue is not the government furloughs, our government has been horrible for years so really this is nothing new, my issue is with the sad story's you hear about people being laid off and how much it is effecting there families and blah blah blah about how horrible their lives are now.
  I have no sympathy for those laid off or furloughed because of their government positions and having to stay home without pay.  I have family that is employed by the government so it's not like I'm not seeing what is happening, but why should I or anyone else feel sorry for them.  They chose their career path's just like I chose mine, and they reap the rewards as well as the consequences of their decisions just like I do. What entitles these people who have cushy jobs and get everything handed them the right to bitch about not getting paid?  These six figure salaries that they live paycheck to paycheck on because they constantly live outside their means. Why should I care that they can't pay for there $600 car payment because they bought a car that in truth they cant really afford. Truthfully, most people want government jobs, because they pay better and it's good job security.....most of the time. 
  There is a valid reason why I take exception to those that are crying foul about not getting there six figure salary bi-weekly. Just about 4 years ago my wife gave birth to our first child, a blessing to this day and still the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Two weeks later I was laid off from my job, and was looking at a 6-12 month layoff before work would become available. I'm was not alone in this burden, there were 600-700 other men out of work with me, all hoping that something would break and we could all start providing for our families again. BUT, there were no articles about us not getting paid, there were no people telling their sob stories about how life is so hard and how we can't afford to put food on the table for our families.  We as a collective were men and women with 5 figure salaries who truly live pay check to pay check and do everything possible to live inside out means. Who, once we get a inkling of something good happening, something bad happens right after to make the situation even worse.  We were the ones who watched as bills piled up one after another on our kitchen tables and received phone calls about companies seeking payments that we couldn't make.  Where were the news crews then, where was the sympathy for us when we sat in out homes shrouded in depression with the constant thought of not being able to make a house payment, put food on the table, possibly loosing their homes, and not being able to provide for their families.  You know what we did...We shut the hell up, got up everyday, did what we needed to do, and survived to live another day.  We didn't sob and cry about how much we suffered, or how hard it was, we found ways to make shit work, we found ways to put food on the table, we did what we needed to do because that's what real people do, that's what those of us who actually have to work for a living do to survive.
  Whats funny about the whole thing is while we suffered, worked, and looked for ways to make ends meet, it was the government workers who could have cared less.  Whats really funny, it is the blue collar guys like me, who make the 5 figure salary that are the ones who provided the conditioned, comfortable spaces that the 6 figure salary cry babies work in.  If it wasn't for us, and when I say us I mean those that keep the wheels turning, the 6 figure snobs wouldn't have the luxury's they have today. We are the one's who do the dirty work, but were the one's who are looked down upon. So from my point of view it's a good thing that this furlough happened to all these "upper class" workers and there high status jobs.  Maybe for once they can feel what its like to not have the security they typically live with everyday even if it is short lived, because in truth it wont last long, and soon they will be back toiling away on their computers making easy money while we as the blue collar people do whatever we can to make them comfortable.
  I do have one exception that I think is a horrible and disgusting act about this whole thing.  In no case should any government take away the pay of those that fight for a given country because they can't come to an agreement.  It is absolutely ludicrous that the military is not getting paid.  These guys put their lives on the line for duty, not so much freedom anymore because no one is taking that away, it's about duty now. They fight for this country, that's what they chose to do, they should get paid no matter what the situation.  You don't see them getting furloughed to you.  I have family and friends in the military, past and present, and it just make my head spin when I see things like this happen. They are the people that should make the 6 figure salary, after all you don't see a computer security specialist putting his life on the line to stop a computer virus.  These guys see bullets, road side bombs, and deal with parts of the world we don't belong in yet I have to see a story posted about how some secretary is struggling to pay her cell phone bill!
  If I get flak for this, fuck it, I already stated that I don't know enough about politics to argue. This is my opinion and because its an opinion it should only be taken as such.  I have been there, I have been the guy who had to call his wife 2 weeks after their first child was born and tell her that I lost my job, had to watch consistently as our savings account dwindled to nothing. I have been down and out, and I have crawled my way back out of the whole, just barely, just to watch the government do whatever they can to push me back in. I live in Maryland, taxes are too high, housing cost to much and my wife and I struggle to make ends meet....but we do and we hold our heads high while we do it because no matter what life brings down upon us we will always have each other and that's good enough for me.  Those of you with 6 figure salaries who want to sit there and cry about how hard life is because you got furloughed...put yourself in my shoes once, maybe then you will appreciate what it is you have and realize that their are those out there that struggle everyday, not just days their not getting paid. I made my choices, I live with them everyday and I wouldn't take back anything that I have done in my life, or changed any direction I have taken.  I'm happy, and that's what matter's most.  Its probably a little cliche but this is probably one of my favorite lines from any movie, and it speaks well to what the workforce of this country needs to do to make it better as a whole.  we need to take back our country and try helping each other out instead of just trying to help ourselves out.

"Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!"
Next time you want to complain about how bad your life is, try thinking about the little guy first, and maybe everything wont seem as bad.  Be happy with what you have and don't complain because you cant get what you want, work hard for it, and you will get it.  its that simple.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Emotion and Athletics

  Today I find myself in a curious position.  Anyone who knows anything about me knows that at times during the course of any competative activity I can become alitle volatile.  Ok lets me rephrase that, I can become a down right asshole and a detriment to myself and my team.  While the old saying " there is no I in team" holds true in most cases, that "I" can disrupt the team by being the I himself.  I have done alot of things I sports that i'm not proud of.  I have thrown helmets, bats, gloves, kicked fences, screamed profanity at the top of my lungs. punched lockers or benches, thrown equipment etc. If you name it I have probably done it.  I have been ejected from games, threated to be ejected from leagues, warned, im sure you get the picture.

Now I dont purposly do this to be a dick. I am a highly competative person who just wants to perform and help his team. I tend to get down on myself when I dont, and as it compounds the situations just meltsdown.  This past weekend was yet another time when I lost my cool.  I was having a horrible day, and after making yet another out when it mattered during a softball tournament I lost my cool, said something I shouldnt have to the umpire and was subsequently tossed from the game.  Immediatly I felt like a giant douche, embarrased, and like the biggest idiot on the planet.  There was no call for me to say anything, its not the umpires fault that I poped out to short.  Coach lenny said it best after the game, and he has been saying it all year, when the umpire has a terrible strike zone you have to adjust to him.  I dont blame the umpire for tossing me, I probably deserved it, and I'm sure not only did I embarrase myself, but my team as well.

I really enjoy playing with this team that I am on.  A bunch of great guys that play great softball, and I guess I feel like I have alot of pressure on me to produce.  In reality, while thinking long an hard about how I am going to conduct myself for the remainder of the season, its important to remember that its just a game.  I'm not playing for money, or a job, I am playing because I enjoy the sport.  Its also important to remember that I can only worry about the moment at hand and not what happend last inning or a few moments before.  Its important to find any positive to the situation and use that going forward instead of thinking about what I did wrong. It is ok to feel disappointed in personal performance, no one likes to fail, but what is more is that you dont dwell on that failure.  I have a hard time relaxing when I am not playing well, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its up to me to make a difference.  I know deep down inside that this isnt true but its hard for me to overcome that part of the game sometimes.

Its not just softball either, I am an avid bowler and sometimes I get even more intense when I have troubles on the lanes. Perhaps even worse is that bowling is more of a mental game then softball.  This side of me often hurts both myself and my team because not being able to control my emotions from frame to frame hurts my score and in turn hurts my overall team score, just as holding onto frustraition from at bat to at bat hurts the batting average.  I am not the greatest athlete in either of these sports, but I play hard to hold my own, I am easily coached and I constantly try to get better.  When anyone works so hard to get better but they regress, isnt it fair for them to get off their rocker sometimes?  I work at getting stronger, faster, better at whatever position I play or whatever lane condiditons I am on, and sometimes we just have bad days and I tend to hold onto those bad days.

Last year I threw a 299 in bowling and ended up with the highest set I have ever bowled, now everytime I hit the first strike it immediatly pops into my head that I have a chance at the 300.  Its been a year and I have trouble letting go of the fact that I threw one bad ball and was one pin from a perfect game.  Deep down inside I wont be happy until I get the 300.  Maybe its the quest for perfection and the beliefe that I am better then I actually am, but Should'nt we all believe that we are better then we are so that we have a goal to strive for.  I guess the right way to understand it is this: Its ok to want to be better and to know you can be better, but you have to have the mind to understand that sometimes you wont be better, in fact sometimes you might be downright awful.  What is important from all of that is that you take the lessons as they are given to you, learn from what you did wrong. Not that you should focus on what you did wrong, focus on  the positives and learn from the mistakes. I have put myself into some embarassing situations and to be honest I havent learned a thing as to self control at least until this weekend. I have a son, who in a few years will be entering into athletic's, what kind of roll model am I to him if I go about screaming and complaining and getting ejected from games. How can I expect to teach him self control when I cannot even control myself.  its good to have a fire for competition but the important thing is to not let that fire rage out of control. Respond with your play not your mouth or attitude, or by makeing excuses as to why you failed.

I am not promising anything, but after this weekend it may have finally clicked. Im 28 years old and I still act like a 12 year old kid on the field and on the lanes. Its time I take the steps necessary to learn to control my emotion for the game.  Keeping the emotion is important but conditioning it is essential.  If I can accomplish this it will only make me that much better for my team and my child. Its going to be a long road with alot of gut checks along the way, but in the end I think it will make life much more enjoyable from a competative stand point and an emotional stand point.  We all like to win, but we have to learn how to lose. I lost the phrase somewhere along the way and its time I take the necessary steps to regain that knowledge. In reality, the most important part of all of this, attitude, anger, emotion, etc. is that we remember deep down inside that its just a game. A game that is played for enjoyment, so relax, have fun and enjoy yourself.  People will notice and respect you more for it. It wont happen overnight, but it wont happen at all if I dont take the steps now to achieve it.  Today, I pledge to take that first step, along with all the stumbles included.

Friday, May 25, 2012

make the right choice (rant)

    recently in the news we hear more and more about how parents who hate there lives decide that they want to die and that their children are coming with them.  It makes me sick when I hear of a mother who killed her 3 children with a gun, one of which is an infant, then puts a bullet in her head.  A father who kills his whole family then drives and hour and puts a bullet in his head.  Are these people so disturbed that they feel there kids are the reason they are so miserable?  Are people so naive to sit there and say , " well she was a depressant and had issues."  What kind of human being puts a gun to an infants head, your child's head, and pulls the trigger.  Children are supposed to challenge you, and help you grow, they are also supposed to be the best thing in your life.

Sure kids are not for everyone, and lets be honest, there are some people out there that just shouldn't breed.  Some people out there are just to stupid to wear protection or use protection.  I get tired of hearing how much birth control cost or that they cant wear condoms because they are either allergic to latex or they don't like the way they feel.  Its called responsibility, you are responsible for your actions, all you have to do is take five seconds to make the right decision, to make a educated decision that will perhaps save your life and spare an innocent child a life of misery because you were to stupid to put a jimmy hat on and had to drop out of high school and cant get a job anywhere not only because you don't have an education but because your a lazy fuck.

Having kids is ruff, on the body, mind, and wallet, but there are so many good times that they overshadow the bad.  I used to be one of those guys who sat there and said " I never want to have kids"," I cant afford kids", or I would tell me friends that there "kids were my birth control".  then I got married and we decided to have a child.  of course it was a scary thought but it was a decision I made not a mistake.  I have an AWESOME two year old kid who can make my day better by just smiling no matter what is going on or how bad my day has been.  As with all kids he can be an asshole , and at times a MAJOR asshole, but he is a kid, and I man up and fucking deal with it, when my wife sees I'm frustrated she takes over, and i do the same for her.  But to get so pissed off and use the excuse that they are depressed and decided that they are going to wrap a bag around their little 1 year old's head makes me want to puke.

It gets me more and more pissed every time I see one of these stories in the paper or on the Internet.  This latest one that is 33 years old, and now the guy decided since he has cancer he is going to confess, and what did he say he did, he lured him into his house with SODA, and strangled him.  WTF prompted some asshole to say, " hey there is a 11 year old boy, let me give him a soda and kill him, yeah that would be fun, then ill just take his body and throw it in a dumpster and go on with my life.  Yeah that sounds like a great plan, let me get a coke."  Really....REALLY, this is what went through your head, how could anyone possibly decide to pick a random kid and kill them.  what the fuck did the kid do to you.  I don't know why this upsets me so much.  maybe its because now I have a 2 year old and I feel like i need to watch him every second because if someone took him or hurt him there would be nothing left, I would go insane, I mean INSANE. 

You see the stories where parents learn to deal with it because of a strong church following and they know GOD with protect there kid and it was gods will what happened,  Fuck that.  Look I believe in the idea of a deity, and I believe that everyone has to believe in something, even atheism is a belief, but your not gonna sit there and tell me that your kid is missing or dead and that it was gods will and he is the reason that you are so strong of heart.  That's a load of shit, there is this misconception out there that god will make everything better, I'm not saying that having that belief in your life cant help you but look at some of the stories. JOB comes to mind, god took his entire family because he wanted to prove the devil wrong...pretty fucked up if you ask me.  I can tell you right now, my life and beliefs will change should "god " decide to take my child.  I'm in no way challenging the almighty, I'm just making the point that, if god loves us all, whatever god it is you choose to worship, there is no way he would want to watch you suffer like never before by taking your children from you.

Let me get back to the whack jobs that feel they need to take there kids with them.  I read a story a few weeks ago about a mother that shot one of her kids, the 3 kids ran to the neighbors house and the neighbor asked what was wrong, while asking, the mother came outside and called her kids back to the house.  Once the kids returned she shot them all then killed herself.  What kind of brainwashing bullshit did this mother pull on her children.  AND god help the dude that married this women, cause now not only is the love of his life dead, but she took his kids too.  People are screwed up, I'm Little out there myself, but I know the difference between right and wrong, and I know its wrong to kill an innocent child.  People are always going to kill people, because people have to show there dominance over each other. no one can just let there be peace.  I don't even go into my own hometown city anymore because of the possibility of getting shot cause I "eyeballed" someone the wrong way.  Let me clarify, I'm not afraid to die, I'm fully aware that even at 28 everyday can be my last. I fully expect to live a long long life, but I know it only takes a second and your gone, so when I say I'm not afraid to die, what i mean is I accept that one day its going to happen and that's it, so whats the point of dreading something that your not sure is going to happen tomorrow or 80 years from now.  Dreading death will bring him quicker and then you will be meeting whatever god you pray to.

I know I'm just bitching at the state of our nation when I see what people do to each other, if you got a problem with someone, deal with it, that's your business, but don't punish a innocent child because you feel you got it so bad. there are kids living on the streets with parents that do everything they can for them.  there are honest good people that live on the streets cause they fell on hard times, you don't have it bad enough to tell me that your kid deserves to die, so do us all a favor before you pull the trigger, point the barrel at your head not your child's then do the whole world a favor and drop the hammer.  your kids will get over it, and then at least they will have a chance at life....and riding the world of your whack job ass would be doing us all a favor.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Fork in the road

One of the great unknowns in life is what lies ahead.  No one can say for sure where they are going to be in a year from now, or even that a week from now.  When we achieve something in our life's that we work hard for, one of those goals we set for ourselves, it comes time to decide what road to follow next.  Which direction your life will go next, and what new goal you must find yourself trying to achieve.

Speaking from a personal stand point, it's very difficult to find motivation at the moment.  I wanted my masters license for so long, I did so much to get ready and prepare for it, years of work, school, and practice helped me achieve a goal that was pretty challenging to achieve.  Problem is I'm not sure where to go from here.  There is a void in me recently that I'm not sure how to fill.  I know I need to set a new goal in life but every thing that comes to mind doesn't interest me. I'm not bored by any stretch of the imagination, my wife and son see to it that I have plenty to do, but there is this deep seated feeling like I have nothing to work for, nothing more to achieve.  Being a master electrician is the top of my field, there isn't any other title I could get, I have "mastered" my craft.  I don't really divulge whats bothering me much or at all but I'm afraid that if I don't I'm gonna turn into something I don't want to. 

Worst part is, I have no motivation at work, I am slowing losing motivation in things I like doing at home, and I am getting this overall feeling of just not wanting to be awake anymore, I just feel like escaping into dream land where things are usually always better.  Its not fair to my family that I feel that way so I do the best I can to keep everyone happy.  I feel like as soon as I reached the top of the mountain, I got my foot stuck in a rut and I'm not able to enjoy the view.

I need a spark, a change or something to push these feelings aside so that I can be passionate about something again.  Its strange because just feeling like there is nothing else seems to be effecting my normal activities.  Things I really enjoy doing are not fun to me anymore, I cant enjoy them, I just get frustrated and want to walk away and quit....Ive never in my life been like that and I don't understand why it's all the sudden started. I'm sick of dealing with bullshit and people are getting on my nerves rather quickly these days....I'm not having fun anymore.  There is no more light at the end of the tunnel, just darkness.

I know this sounds like I'm horribly depressed but I don't think that's the case, my day lights up when I'm around my family, I love playing with my son, and spending time with my wife, its just everything else, its just so...blah now.  I don't need a vacation, I don't need a psychiatrist, I need purpose, passion, and more importantly the next step.

I guess you could say that I'm at the pivotal fork in the road, like the end of the movie castaway when he finally gets off the island and he is there standing at a crossroads not sure which way to go, not knowing where either road will take him......I need to choose which road i will take..which life path I will choose to follow.  Maybe it will just take me some time to get where i need to be, to realize what that next step will be, I'm just afraid that if it doesn't come to me soon enough that I'm going to lose interest in everything that i love and become a hermit.  Maybe I should just blindly choose a path and see where it takes me, just pick a random direction and go test the waters...whats the worst that could happen right, you only live once.