Wednesday, November 6, 2013

path's followed

In the course of life we choose which fork in the road we are going to follow.  Most of the time things do not turn out as we planned.  Other times, much to our surprise, things go exactly as planned. In reality we all are forced to live with these choices, good or bad. For some of us, the ability to just shrug your shoulders and carry on, never regretting or wondering where the other fork may have led, and live life as expected with little to no worry.  Others however constantly look back on what might have been, always remember a time they wish they had done this or that, or went this way instead of that. That in short is the story of my life.

I am one of those that always looks back on what might have been and I tend to dwell on bad decisions from the past.  Even though I know in my head that no one cares, mistakes are forgiven, and people just move on. In my head however, the moment tends to always be a thought away, almost like it was yesterday and I have a tendency to relive it over and over again.  Like so many others I put on the face and smile, and act like nothing bothers me, but in truth there is always a struggle with things of the past.

It's easy for someone to tell you to just let it go, or its in the past, because in their mind its easy for them to do that, but with people like me, we just cant.  Time and time again I have told myself not to worry about it, or not to dwell on it and it will go away for a time, but inevitably it always come racing back once anything happens that closely resembles my memory of the past.  Now, I don't act on these memories or cry over them, but they are a constant reminder of mistakes I wish i didn't make, or decisions I wish I had never made. In all honesty, it makes it hard to live with myself every so often.

Recently I came across an old friend on facebook, who happened to be friends with someone who I was close to at one point in time. Of course, memories come slamming back like a freight train and curiosity got the best of me. I needed to see how their life was making out. I dreaded what I might find, scared of how their life may have turned out or the direction it went. Both for my own selfish reasons, and for fear or failure I guess you could say. Then it happened, the text, the pictures, seeing old faces...my heart started to pound as memory after miserable memory filled my head.  Just like always my head filled with dread of what I was about to find....until, for some weird reason, suddenly I felt joy, happiness, and a sense of relief. 

My life has had many winding roads, but I have a wonderful family. Sure, we all have those moments where we think back about how if we did this different we might be there instead of here.  And I think we all have attachment's that never leave you, that have become part of you. So today, I am disappointed but happy at the same time.  Happy for that old friend and what their life may lead to now, the memories will never leave, but no longer will I dread them when they come around. Funny how things have a way of working out.

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