Thursday, February 23, 2012

Fork in the road

One of the great unknowns in life is what lies ahead.  No one can say for sure where they are going to be in a year from now, or even that a week from now.  When we achieve something in our life's that we work hard for, one of those goals we set for ourselves, it comes time to decide what road to follow next.  Which direction your life will go next, and what new goal you must find yourself trying to achieve.

Speaking from a personal stand point, it's very difficult to find motivation at the moment.  I wanted my masters license for so long, I did so much to get ready and prepare for it, years of work, school, and practice helped me achieve a goal that was pretty challenging to achieve.  Problem is I'm not sure where to go from here.  There is a void in me recently that I'm not sure how to fill.  I know I need to set a new goal in life but every thing that comes to mind doesn't interest me. I'm not bored by any stretch of the imagination, my wife and son see to it that I have plenty to do, but there is this deep seated feeling like I have nothing to work for, nothing more to achieve.  Being a master electrician is the top of my field, there isn't any other title I could get, I have "mastered" my craft.  I don't really divulge whats bothering me much or at all but I'm afraid that if I don't I'm gonna turn into something I don't want to. 

Worst part is, I have no motivation at work, I am slowing losing motivation in things I like doing at home, and I am getting this overall feeling of just not wanting to be awake anymore, I just feel like escaping into dream land where things are usually always better.  Its not fair to my family that I feel that way so I do the best I can to keep everyone happy.  I feel like as soon as I reached the top of the mountain, I got my foot stuck in a rut and I'm not able to enjoy the view.

I need a spark, a change or something to push these feelings aside so that I can be passionate about something again.  Its strange because just feeling like there is nothing else seems to be effecting my normal activities.  Things I really enjoy doing are not fun to me anymore, I cant enjoy them, I just get frustrated and want to walk away and quit....Ive never in my life been like that and I don't understand why it's all the sudden started. I'm sick of dealing with bullshit and people are getting on my nerves rather quickly these days....I'm not having fun anymore.  There is no more light at the end of the tunnel, just darkness.

I know this sounds like I'm horribly depressed but I don't think that's the case, my day lights up when I'm around my family, I love playing with my son, and spending time with my wife, its just everything else, its just so...blah now.  I don't need a vacation, I don't need a psychiatrist, I need purpose, passion, and more importantly the next step.

I guess you could say that I'm at the pivotal fork in the road, like the end of the movie castaway when he finally gets off the island and he is there standing at a crossroads not sure which way to go, not knowing where either road will take him......I need to choose which road i will take..which life path I will choose to follow.  Maybe it will just take me some time to get where i need to be, to realize what that next step will be, I'm just afraid that if it doesn't come to me soon enough that I'm going to lose interest in everything that i love and become a hermit.  Maybe I should just blindly choose a path and see where it takes me, just pick a random direction and go test the waters...whats the worst that could happen right, you only live once.

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